There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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