I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
