i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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