I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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