Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
