you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
