She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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