your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
