I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
