At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
