1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize