Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
