It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
