need another drink. this is the easiest way
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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