Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
