i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize