I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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