I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
