just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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