God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
