Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
