bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
