Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
