you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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