I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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