my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
