the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Is Oprah even human
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
