Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize