Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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