my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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