then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
