Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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