This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just high enough for therapy.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
