I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
