remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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