He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
