You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
