alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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