Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
