my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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