I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He better not be in your backpack
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
