You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
