1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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