You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
