I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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