my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
