Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
