i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
