i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
