If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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