Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
