The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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