My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
