Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize