you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize