I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize