Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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