I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
