You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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