I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize