Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
