at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
