i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
