he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
